I wonder, what kind of a God do I serve? I was told once: "It rains on the just and the unjust". That really doesn't help my situation. I am a passionate person. There are those who would disagree with me, however. And they are right, of sorts. I am not very overt. I prefer to avoid conflict, and thus have a gentleness of speech and character. But I am still passionate. And that's my problem: I love.
I've recently come to the conclusion that I love too much. I love too hard. I love too easily. If you give me a chance, I will love you. I always thought that as a servant of my God and my fellow man, that is what I was supposed to do. Just hold that thought a moment.
I am currently a junior in college, persuing a major that I hate, yet cannot change, for various reasons. I long to be a writer and a vocalist. I long to love, and be loved. Most of my college life is spent starting at the bloody computer screen designing circuits or writing programs. And that is why I hate my major. It forces me to be a calm and docile individual with no desires or ambition besides climbing the ladder to the top of Coporate America. [Funny thought(1) Corporate America: The Beaurecratic Justice League? I can just imagine buisnessmen scrambling to a meeting wearing tight spandex and masks...hilarity ensues.] I however, have no desire to be a cookie cutter'd bible thumpin' average American with 2.5 kids and 60k a year. I want adventure! [which is why I just packed up and started driving this afternoon]. Maybe it comes from my idealism, but I believe that this kind of life exists. I have to believe that I can be who I feel I am called to be. Yet my life seems to dictate otherwise.
I was raised church of Christ. Therefore, I have 'known' God all my life. I have only recently, however, come to understand how much of a Father he truly is. My heart desires to do what he would have me do, and therefore, I follow what it tells me to do. I believe that God inspires within us the flame that guides us to who we really are. Granted, there are times when my heart leads me astray, but God has always intervened and pushed me back onto the path again. Yet...now, here, at college, it's as if the training wheels have suddenly been removed. I feel on my own. I no longer feel his presence. In fact, I feel very little, but that is another discussion. My question for this post then is this: What kind of a God would have me persue a career I loathe? What kind of a God would inspire within intense desires that will never be fulfilled, only teased? I do not understand, yet I still believe. For without belief, I am nothing.
This post is more fragmented then a detonated grenade, so I am going to leave it at that tonight. It is late, and I will lie down again and try to quiet my heart long enough to sleep for a few desperate hours. Mayhaps I'll dream of Freckles. I only pray that she is dreaming of me as well.
My Honor Is My Life,
-Sword
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6 comments:
I can understand where you're coming from. Why do you feel trapped into the whole engineering thing in the first place? Because you feel too invested in it? Because your parents have invested so much in it? Don't you think that they would want you happy, rather than in a career you don't want to pursue? What good is an investment if it's in something you're not looking forward to? What are you trying to prove?
Be brave! And is there any chance I'll ever find out who this Freckles girl is?
Well, I feel that since I've spent 3 years in this college at 20k a year, it would be a waste to change now. Also, there is a twinge of responsibility toward my parents as I desire to earn there approval of my life. I know that I can do what I desire after I graduate, I just have to get there. As for Freckles...you can get a taste in the next post. Until then...that's all you get. :P
It sucks that you feel trapped in engineering, its one of the harder degrees you can earn in my opinon, and so it you don't like your really punishing yourself.
crap triple post
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